Would you like to work for the Daily Mail?

I have been aware that the Daily Mail were about to recruit some new journalists via Twitter and the advert amused me, but I couldn’t quite decide what to do with it. Then The enemies of reason applied for the job in a wonderfully mocking manner and I now see that this is the way forward. We all need to apply for this job in the same style, explaining just how we understand what they are looking for and how we are willing to hand over our souls on a platter for the pay cheque on offer. Here is the advert – printed in the Guardian no less, this must be one of the ‘non-jobs’ that the Mail constantly complains about in the Guardian:

Daily Mail

  • Britain’s most successful newspaper group is offering would-be reporters and writers an exciting and challenging yearlong training course, plus the chance to work at the Daily Mail and Mail Online
  • We are looking for bright, sharp, intelligent writers who believe they can be fast-tracked to the very top
  • You’ll be on the best journalism course in the business – and be paid a competitive salary while you train
  • Successful applicants will probably have completed post-graduate journalism training or had experience working in newspapers

Apply by February 21, with your CV, 200 words on why you think you could be a Mail journalist, a 200-word news story and a selection of up to six cuttings and send to Sue Ryan, Trainee Reporters’ Scheme, Daily Mail, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry St, London W8 5TT. Please send queries to sue.ryan@dailymail.co.uk

So, let’s all send Sue Ryan 200 words to try and convince her that we can be the next moral vacuum hiding behind The Daily Mail Reporter as we explain that the ink in newspapers gives you cancer and that the man next door is probably going to rape and kill your children. Let me be so bold as to post my 200 words here, which I will email to Sue just as soon as this blog is posted.

Dear Sue,

I am writing about the prospect of a year’s training with the Daily Mail and the chance to become a star within the Mail group.

Obviously, you would like to know my credentials. Well, for my sins I read the Daily Mail and I visit Mail Online so I am more than aware of the kind of skills needed to be a big hit:

  1. Being related to a current member of staff. Granted, I am not related to a current member of staff, but I did once tweet Georgina Littlejohn on Twitter – does this count?
  2. I have eyes, I can see whether a celebrity has lost or gained weight.
  3. I have hands, I can relay above information to your reader via the medium of the written word – should the accompanying 14 photos not illustrate the point forcefully enough.
  4. Being an avid reader I know that the Mail group really hates immigrants, foreigners in general, gays, women, science. Hell, let’s face it, I know that in order to write for the Mail I must hate everything post 1950 apart from Mail Online. I don’t of course, but then I imagine I wouldn’t be the only writer in your organisation crying themselves to sleep every night over what they have done with their lives.
  5. I used to live in Devon, amongst country folk. I have no stories of interest relating to this, but I understand that Liz Jones earns a fair whack and neither does she?
  6. My local council have given me two wheelie bins, as well as recycling bags and a kitchen waste bin which has to be kept in the kitchen. I think this qualifies me to write about 1/3 of your daily output – and it certainly makes me more qualified that a certain Mr Richard Littlejohn who – living in Florida – can only scratch the surface of the angst faced by the real, everyday, all-year-round wheelie bin sufferers.

Obviously before I can accept your offer I would want to clarify one thing; in your advert you state that ‘bright, sharp, intelligent writers who believe they can be fast-tracked to the very top’ and this really worries me. You see, having read the output of your highest-paid, most ‘succesful’ writers, I can only conclude that such a fast-track scheme is only interesting in promoting the most delusional, inane, dishonest, repetitive and frankly appalling writers (I mean, seriously, have you ever read a Melanie Philips column and thought: ‘My, hasn’t she a got a firm grasp of reality.’ Or: ‘You know what, Peter Hitchens is right, women are entirely to blame for absolutely everything. EVERYTHING.’ Or: ‘Isn’t Richard Littlejohn brave, attacking all of those disenfranchised minorities using Dad’s Army as a clever comic vehicle. Again.’?)

Hopefully you can clarify this point before making me a formal offer.

Yours Faithfully,

Kevin

PS. I know this is more than 200 words, but come on, it’s not like you’ve got any standards for your published journalists, is it?


I invite you to write your own application. Feel free to add it to the comments here, or post it on your own blog and then link from the comments. Share this via Twitter. See if we can give the Mail more applicants than they expected. Who knows, one of us might get a job out of this. Good luck – you could be the next Richard Littlejohn (the money is certainly good).

19 Comments

  • Liz Church says:

    I’ve already applied using Anton’s draft. Would it be unfair to apply again using yours, do you think?

  • PJ says:

    I was about to dash a letter off, but was overcome by the chilling fear that I might get the job. Then have to tell people where I worked. Then have to accept lynching as my justified fate.

  • I’ve sent off my application:

    Dear Sue,
    I would love to apply for your training post at the Daily Mail. I do not have any experience as a journalist and so an unable to provide you with the cuttings requested, However I feel that this would be no barrier to a successful year at the DM for the reasons below:

    While I do not currently own or know how to operate a telephone, I do not see this as a problem as I have no intention of contacting the people I write about for comment.

    I have logged over ten (10) hours of copying and pasting in my life. When any press release is put out I will be able to submit it as copy in seconds. If there are no PR pieces to unquestioningly flog, I am prepared to lift articles from other online newspapers verbatim.

    In addition to this, I do not see my self as having a big ego. I am happy to see my “work” with the byline “Daily Mail Reporter” particularly in articles about Kim Kardashian – of which I can produce up to 6 (six) pieces a day. I understand that this is well below the average number of Kim Kardashian articles published online everyday, but with effort I am sure I could be knocking out snappy headlines such as “Kim Kardashian wears clothes”, “Kim Kardashian tweets something”, “Kim Kardashian finds enchanted oboe” and “Kim Kardashian cracks RSA encryption standards” with ease.

    I include a piece to demonstrate my ability to write in ‘house style’:
    Oooh, look at hasn’t she got fat/skinny (delete as appropriate).

    Yesterday was seen out and about and didn’t they look fat/skinny (delete as appropriate)?

    <Insert 14 paparazzi pictures of looking fat/skinny (delete as appropriate). You know, the type you said you would stop buying after Diana died.>

    Also, I have had my soul removed.

    Yours,

    David Heffron

  • Keith Gabriel says:

    David Heffron: If I was Sue Ryan, I would take you on without hesitation. Certainly, you need a little training on the racial intolerance front but, beyond that, it’s an excellent application.

  • Adam Highway says:

    Here’s my contribution:

    Dear Sue

    I am writing to submit my application for your trainee “reporters” scheme.

    I have chosen not to attach my CV and clippings, as I feel this reflects my commitment to the Daily Mail’s ethos. I share your abhorrence of (gays) evidence, (immigrants) science and (gays again) rationality, and therefore believe a bald statement of my superiority over all other applicants will suffice.

    I’m the best.

    While corroboration (I’ll wait while you look it up) is neither desirable nor necessary, I would like to point out that should it have any bearing on your decision, I am willing to lie, cheat, scam and generally whore my very being in pursuit of the Mail’s success. I will scaremonger and sabre rattle with the best of them, and – if all else fail – self lobotomise with a ballpoint pen.

    I trust the foregoing is self-explanatory. If not, I doubt you’ll bother try to understand it anyway.

    Regards,

    Adam Highway.

  • Ugeine says:

    Having seen your advert for the position of Daily Mail journalist in the Guardian, I wish to apply for the position.

    I hate a wide variety of non white or non British people, including, but not limited to, blacks, Asians, Muslims, darkies, Muslims, coloureds, Paddies, Jocks, Somalians, Somalian Muslims, Poles, French, Wops, Indians, Pakistanis, Afghanistanis, Muslims, The Chinese, people from ‘Bongo Bongo’ land and Muslims.

    Although I’m confident my hatred of non whites will be enough to secure the essential criteria, I also have a hatred for homosexuals, teenagers, rock music fans, the unemployed, computer games fans, unemployed Muslims, unemployed teenagers, unemployed Muslim teenagers and gay Muslims.

    Thank you in anticipation of your response.

  • JS says:

    Dear Sue,

    I saw your advert in the Guardian for a journalist, and decided to apply. As a regular user and fan of the Daily Mail’s website, I have noted the journalistic style of the articles penned by the ubiquitous “Daily Mail Reporter” and decided to give this a go myself. I have no prior journalistic experience, although I did recently write a best man’s speech which went down rather well in a room of 300 people of varied ethnicities and stages of drunkenness, although on reflection, the forty-five minute bit about the time my friend got stranded on a pedaloe with a Brazilian hooker and had to be rescued by the RNLI may have been ill-judged. I digress. Well, it appears to me that a common trait of my hero, the “Daily Mail Reporter” is to be able to take any photo of anything or anyone and surround said photo with some words. I have included the phrase ‘stepped out’ as well as a couple of factual inaccuracies to fit in with the style of your content.

    I have decided to base my article around an old paparazzi photo of Barry Manilow (attached):

    “Barry Manilow rolls back the years with mystery girl”

    “A suspiciously young looking Barry Manilow set tongues wagging recently when he stepped out with a mystery brunette.

    Barry, famous for hits such as Club Tropicana and West End Girls, was seen leaving Shaggers nightclub in Romford with the mystery woman. A source said, “Barry just whacked a load of tequila slammers, and the next thing we knew he’d hit the dance floor and whipped this poor girl into a frenzy with his ‘gun-fingers’ dance”

    Barry was later seen leaving the club with the exotic looking brunette, but did not have time to pose for waiting photographers. The pair got straight into Barry’s waiting chauffeur driven Austin Allegro Vanden Plas and sped off.

    Another reveller told us, “They shot off pretty quick to escape the waiting paparazzi, er, I mean ‘photographers’, but my mate Dave says he saw them in Kebab Hut at 3am ordering a large doner and a some chips.”.

    Barry wore chinos and a vomit-patterned shirt, topped off with yellow-tinted aviators, while his companion dared to bare in a VERY revealing black cocktail dress. A friend close to Manilow told us, “Barry is besotted with his new lover, in fact he can’t smile without her”.

    The Best of Barry Manilow is available now on SonyBMG.”

    Yours,

    John Smith,

    Birmingham

    Photo: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JAXyOVtZ0eE/R6IfCR6xjYI/AAAAAAAAFKk/fKvIyGnmPmg/s320/Barry+Manilow

  • Scab says:

    Scoff all you like. I’m applying. Job’s a job etc.

  • lukeblogs says:

    These are some absolutely fantastic responses!
    I directed here from Conform Consume Obey, and I have decided to do a little blog about it on my blog.

    I have also included a letter of application. Unfortunately I didn’t include any of my opinions regarding certain ‘members’ of society. I feel like I have somewhat muddied my chances of a job in that respect. :(

  • lukeblogs says:

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.
    These are some absolutely fantastic responses!
    I directed here from Conform Consume Obey, and I have decided to do a little blog about it on my blog.

    I have also included a letter of application. Unfortunately I didn’t include any of my opinions regarding certain ‘members’ of society. I feel like I have somewhat muddied my chances of a job in that respect. :(

    http://lukeblogs-pursuitofhappyness.blogspot.com

  • mrtompkins says:

    Dear Sue,

    I am writing to you about the job. I have so much hatred inside me and feel this job would be a perfect way to channel it. A chance to work at the Mail eh! I hate Facebook. I hate brown people. I hate the BBC. I have no idea what Sharia law really is and I hate it. I hate it that they tried to ban Christmas. They! Winterval! I hate wheelie bins. I hate the government. I hate it when there’s no wheelie bins and there’s rubbish everywhere. I hate the way Mohammed is the most popular boys’ name. I hate the way they’re taking all our jobs, you know, ALL of them! OUR jobs! I hate immigrants except when they’re immigrants from the UK living in Florida in which case they’re expats and that’s okay. I hate the way gays make the police fly rainbow flags. I hate gays, especially the ones on Facebook with wheelie bins. Did I mention I hate Facebook? Oh. I forgot. Nurse makes me take tablets and they make my head go funny. I hate the way my side hurts after I’ve been leaning to the right all day. I hate the way global warming makes it go freezing cold every winter, with snow and all that. I hate Piers Morgan. Haha, no really. Detest the bastard. I hate big brother but I loved Big Brother. I love Our Boys, they’re so good at killing that lot. I love vacuous celebrities. Sorry, slight lapse into love there. I hate the BNP! I have to say that. I hate speed cameras. I hate women. Are you one? I bet you’d look lovely with those out. Sorry, it’s the Mail isn’t it, not the Star. I hate the way they banned white mal I hate it when my crayon snaps.

    Employ me. I know where you live. I don’t, I’ll just get a reporter to trick you into telling them.

    Lots of hate,
    Mr T

  • Andy says:

    Dear Sue,

    I noticed the advertisement for a Trainee Reporter at The Daily Mail and felt compelled to respond immediately. I’m a graduate of Columbia University’s Master of Journalism programme, and have worked as a staff reporter for several national newspapers in both the United States and Britain. Within the last five years I’ve gained experience as a features writer for The Observer and now hold the position of Science Correspondent with The Independent. Despite what I would certainly consider a series of successes at these papers, I am now at a critical juncture in my life and feel that I would be considerably more comfortable at a paper like the Mail.

    I know it’s considered inappropriate to speak negatively of one’s current employer in job applications but I want to be frank about why I’m applying. Here at The Independent the poovery has become simply intolerable. It’s everywhere. Poovery in the walls. Poovery on my desk. Digital poovery. Eco-poovery. EU poovery. Wheelie bin poovery. Traditional British hedgerow poovery. Tax poovery. Pothole poovery. Foreign food poovery. Human rights poovery. War on Christmas poovery. Poovery in Stephen Gately’s cemetery. Tea bag poovery. Teenage poovery. Underwater poovery. I’ve expressed my discomfort to senior management on several occasions but – as you’d expect – this concern just incurs the wrath of the sandal-wearing ‘respect’ brigade. I’ve even coined a phrase to describe the condition: political correctness gone mad. What do you think, Sue? Could that became a chucklesome Mail catchphrase like elf’n’safety?

    I feel very strongly that the creeping tentacles of poovery need to be severed at the source, and only Mail columnists like Richard Littlejohn, Melanie Philips, Jan Moir and Peter Hitchens are brave enough to tackle this threat head-on. My background in science journalism has enabled me to uncover some startling facts and I’m hoping the Mail can provide a forum for my crusade to inform the world. Key among them is the revelation that being a gay is not a cause of cancer. Quite the contrary – gayness IS the cancer. The only thing that troubles me is… How do they do it? I mean anatomically speaking. Because they don’t have vaginas.

    I look forward to hearing from you!

    Yours sincerely,

    Trumpington Skinwhistle Smythe, Journalist

  • Dan says:

    ear Sue,

    I am writing to you to apply for a position as a journalist at your
    newspaper. For years I have tried to fill the void in my life by
    writing spiteful anonymous letters to local charity workers, but now I
    see the possibility of joining great literary figures like Jan Moir
    and Richard Littlejohn in a titanic struggle against moral degeneracy,
    I feel duty-bound to humbly present myself at your service.

    I regret to inform you that I have no experience as such in the field
    of journalism, but as an occasional reader of your publication, I’m
    sure that won’t be any handicap in producing the kind of output at
    which you seem to excel.

    Specifically, I think my capabilities in the following areas should
    mark me out as a superior candidate:

    -Vicious misanthropic streak verging on sociopathy. For example, I
    once paid two tramps to fight for my entertainment while I ate a
    sandwich and laughed. I’m happy to write anything about anyone without
    the massive drag factor of a functioning sense of compassion or
    empathy.
    -Deep unfamiliarity with logic, rational discourse or the need for
    evidence. I don’t care about that stuff. It gets in the way of the
    real stories that tug at our hearts and curdle our stomachs. I’m
    committed to stringing together assertion after unfounded assertion in
    semantically empty sentences as long as they appear to support
    whatever scrap of fascist ideology I’m attracted to that afternoon.
    -World class bigot. Honestly, I’m off the scale. Virtually anyone who
    doesn’t share my DNA and postal address is on my hate list. It’s
    pathological. For example I’ve never met a Latvian, nor do I know a
    single verifiable fact about the people, politics or culture of
    Latvia, but I fucking hate that shithole with a vengeance. It’s
    hardwired with me. Anything sets me off. The disabled, the gays,
    vegetarians, left-handed people, people with limps, people who
    understand what hummus is. They’re all scary and unnerving to me and
    I’d prefer it if they all died long and protracted deaths. So
    uncontrollable is my instinctive bigotry I’ve even started to foster
    prejudices against fictional races. Hobbits for example: should we be
    letting them come in our country and take all our jobs?

    In summary, I hope you’ll see that my brand of murderous hate-speech
    is just the kind of thing the Mail needs to keep its readership at a
    heightened sense of terror and alienation.

    Looking forward to working with you.

    Heil Hitler

    Dan

  • Geeklawyer says:

    Su,
    I have read you’re advurt and think I would be very good at it. I like reading and that. I read newspapers a lot and some of them are very good. I agree with the daily male and its stance on foreignurs, foreners, fore… OK darkies: lets call a spade a spade & not an ethnic earth moving tool (ponsy political corectness). And I hate the EU – froggies and dagoes.

    And like you I am midle class and my raection to most news is always “What about the midle classes? XYZ attack on the midle classes” So I’d fit rite in.

    Anyway the esense of journalism is brevaty acurasy and wit, And good grammer. So I shall leave my application there. I can start next monday.

    Thank you very much Su

    Derek Geeklawyer

    St George’s cottage,
    Sidcup, Kent

  • fishwife says:

    Hello dialyMail,

    I like job pleese! I rite headlines.

    Look at rich woman! She wear small clothe.

    Look at fat woman! She make me sick. Look at fat woman! She nice in Mark & Spenser advrt.

    Look at famous lady! She from America. She on tellyevision. We not know who she is but she pretty.

    Look at lady who marry prince! She wear nice clothe. She have nice hair. She pretty. But lady’s Mum is comon.

    Look at dead lady from Bristle. She pretty. Man with funny hair no kill her! Maybe foreign man.

    Look at forun peple. Brown skin peple come to england and want to kill us and make us spk other languqges. Englsh best.

    Look at poor man with canser. You can get canser if you brethe. But you can also get canser from other fings.

    Look at ded gay man from irish band! He gay and he die becaus he like to put penis in man.

    Look at other men who put penis in men! They want to tell childrun to put penis in man too.

    Look at old woman. Her face all rinkly. I feel sick!

    Look at old woman. Her face not rinkly at all! Silly woman! She look younger than she is. She waist money on tryng to lookpretty! I feel sick again!

    Look at lady with bosoms out! I feel sick! But I show you picshre of bosoms annyway.

    you are all going to die of sumthing nasty. Look at picture of funny animal instead.

  • GL says:

    Dear Sue

    Whilst vacillating between furious masturbation over the right hand column of your excellent website and sharing your concern at the insidious spread of ‘human rights’ across our fair isle, it came to my attention via a tweet that you were advertising for reporters who believe they could be ‘fast tracked to the very top’.

    In short: I am your man. Yesterday I was walking down my local high street and saw probable immigrants mingling with indigenous British with no sign of overcrowding their services or forcing them to rename Christmas. I saw a WOMAN of 50 who seemed quite unafraid of impending cancer – despite eating bread and wearing a BRA AND FLIP FLOPS.

    Whilst browsing my local Currys not ONE benefit claimant entered to upgrade their flatscreen television. Indeed the single mother WORKING behind the counter claimed that she HAD TO in order to make ends meet as her HOUSING BENEFIT DIDN’T EVEN COVER HER RENT!

    I could go on, but the point I’m trying to make here is that NOT ENOUGH people are buying the Daily Mail. THE WORLD HAS GONE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MAD. THEY’RE ALL LIVING IN A HAPPY LITTLE DREAM WORLD, THEY NEED TO LOCK THEMSELVES INDOORS AWAY FROM THE HOODIES. THEY NEED TO HOARDE THEIR TAXPAYERS CASH UNDER THE BED AND SHAKE THEIR HEAD AT CELEBRITIES TWEETING ‘CONDOLENCES’ ABOUT SOME OTHER CELEBRITY’S DEAD BABY.

    Yours truly,

    GL, ENGLAND, FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF YURUP

  • PrimlyStable says:

    I’ve gone for the “short but sweet” approach:

    http://primlystable.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-dailymail-job-application.html

  • David Belcher says:

    In the event of there being more than one outstanding candidate, the successful applicant will be selected based upon whoever provides the best Mail headline by completing the tie-breaker below:

    “Hurrah for the ____________”

  • Shaun says:

    Dear Sue

    I would like to apply for the position of trainee reporter with the Daily Mail. I have scheduled invasive surgery for the purpose of removing those of my glands responsible for my sense of shame, in preparation. Upon request, I am also willing to deport my conscience.

    However, I have managed to misinterpret a scientific paper that I found yesterday in a skip outside an abattoir in Maidenhead, wrapped in a copy of ‘Heat’. As such, I now believe that job applications cause cancer, and will be unable to proceed by the traditional route.

    In lieu, I will therefore attend your offices within the next three working days and wrestle a greased pig in the foyer. I understand that you may grade me for grammar and posture.

    Yours, etc

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